It’s hard to believe that just four months ago, on April 17th, I was taking my first steps over the start line at the Boston Marathon, just three days after learning I had Cancer. In some respects it feels like a lifetime, in other respects it feels like it was just yesterday. I have said it many times but life sure does come at you fast but it also contains a million precious moments that when you step back and think about them make every single day special. I have had my ups and downs the last four months but as I reflect I am grateful, that even with all thats going on, I can count more great moments than bad ones. I am very lucky.

Not sure I ever posted this but thought I would share a video I took immediately after confirming I had Cancer while I was sitting in the parking lot of the doctors office. I wasn’t sure I would ever share but as I reflect I thought it was worth sharing. It’s definitely not one of my best moments.

So back to the present. Here it is August 17th, 2023. I am sitting in my favorite quiet spot in Newport harbor, enjoying the sun, the seagulls and the passing ships. I found this spot a few months back and when down here I try and spend a few minutes whenever I can just sitting on the dock and taking some time for myself to reflect on the past but also to think about the future. It’s taken on a different meaning this time around as each day I get a little closer to my surgery on September 1st. Up until now I was just focused on chemo and the after effects but now that I am recovered from all of that my attention seems to be shifting to what’s ahead and it’s terrifying. To be fair, its not a terribly uncommon surgery, and I have some of the best doctors in the world who exude nothing but confidence and comfort with the procedure but nonetheless for someone who has never spent a night in the hospital, let alone the idea of spending a week, it is the fear of the unknown that haunts me. Basic questions like how will I feel when I wake up? How much pain will I be in? How large will my scar be? How much weight will I lose? Will I be able to eat and sleep?

And then there are the more complicated questions. How hard will it be to learn to urinate again? Will I wet the bed or myself? Will I ever be able to be intimate again with my wife? Will I survive the surgery and ever wake up? So many questions, some simple and some complex but all frightening given the unknown.

I am not ready to die and can’t imagine the thought of closing my eyes for surgery and not waking up. Leaving so much and so many behind me, so I try not to think about it but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t creep in. There is nothing anyone can say or do to take that fear away, I just have to face it and focus on the present and put my trust in science.

In other news I have been trying to exercise more and get back some of my stamina. What’s interesting is that I didn’t lose a pound during chemo and actually in fairly good visual physical shape. I am just over 6’3”, 205 lbs, 19% body fat which I haven’t been in years. Minus my continued frustration with lack of hair and the visual reminder of my port in my chest I am actually pretty happy with how I look and feel. That said I did have a very humbling set of moments last week.

The first was my attempt at running which was my first since the marathon four months ago. Needless to say it sucked. I barely made it 1 mile. I did it in just over 12 minutes which is about as slow as my pace for mile 24 of the marathon. Heart rate was about 160 at the finish of the mile which felt like I was going to explode. Super frustrating to run a marathon four months ago and now to feel like I am going to drop after 1 mile. I guess it’s not surprising but it sure was frustrating. I am trying to get more running in as I am still hopeful to complete a 5k at Thanksgiving this year, even after the surgery.

The second humbling moment was a trip out on the paddle boards. Paddle boarding has become one of Aimee and mine favorite summer activities. There usually isn’t a weekend in the summer where we don’t venture out for a boarding excursion on the Charles River or some other local body of water. We hadn’t been out at all this summer for obvious reasons but I was ready to give it a go. Much like the running, it didn’t go as I had hoped. Usually, I stand immediately upon entering the water and have no problem padding for an hour plus. This trip was not the same. I couldn’t get passed my knees as the dizziness was tremendous and was afraid that if I stood I would fall into the water and the Charles River (albeit better than it used to be) is not a place I want to swim. So I paddled on my knees which was painful and forced us to cut our paddle to a short 25 minutes. Exited the water frustrated, feeling defeated, but also committed to work harder to try and return to where I once was.

The other big and difficult step for me as I that I decided to start my medical leave from work last Friday. Outside of the physical challenges I have had over the past few months, taking a leave from work has been one of the greatest mental challenges for me in my lifetime. I love what I do. I love my colleagues, I love my work, I love my clients. The idea of just stopping that for a few months is hard to fathom. I realized years ago that I don’t define who I am by my job or career but it has been and is a huge part of me. A two-week vacation is probably the longest I have ever taken and even then I am usually checking email and responding during that time. The idea of taking two plus months is frightening. But that is self imposed fear. Every single one of my colleagues has been amazingly supportive of my journey and has created a tremendous support system for me on both a professional and personal level. They have shared dozens of thoughtful messages upon my departure including this amazing Kudoboard that will join me on my stay at the hospital coming up. To have a career in a place with such special people is a blessing.

So that’s what I have been doing the last handful of weeks. I have been focused on spending time with family and friends. Traveling, exercising and focusing on both my mental and physical fitness as I prepare for surgery. Aimee and I had an special trip to Europe. I got to see Israel through the eyes of my daughter Alexa who spent four weeks there, shared stories and photos, and came back even more amazing then when she left. My son Jake returned home from a summer working and living in Virginia and continues to impress me and show me the wonderful man he has become. I spent time with my parents who’s love and support shows no bounds. I’ve receive countless messages, phone calls and zoom best wishes from colleagues and friends who have been on my side every step of the way.

I am a lucky man, a very lucky man.

So the two week countdown begins today. Not going to dwell on it but also can’t avoid it. Life is short. Make every day a great day.