May 24th, 2023. I was pretty excited about my doctor appointment today. ‘Excited’ and ‘doctor’ are not usually two words that go together in a sentence but given all my other appointments recently I expected this one to be easy peasy as I believed I was meeting with a nutritionist. I was hoping they were going to say “Load up on carbs” “Eat all the ice cream”. “Let them eat cake”, you know all the good stuff that would fatten me up as I start chemo, but something was off the minute I walked into the exam room.

The first thing the nurse did was lay a pad down on the exam table. ‘That’s strange,’ I thought. So I asked, “What are we going to be eating that makes that much of a mess,” and she looked at me puzzled and asked what I meant and I responded “Isn’t this a nutrition appt?” She smiled and giggled. Right then I should have run and run fast. Her response “I’m sorry, no. This is your self catheterization lesson.” And there goes my whole day. It had been a good one until that. Now I have to shove a tube up my penis. Yup, I said it! What a pissah!!! (Must be said with a heavy Boston accent)

I texted my amazing wife Aimee and she was no help btw. I love her more than everything but seriously no help.

So after I stopped hyperventilating (not really, just said that for dramatic effect) the info started rolling in. As I have shared, I have Stage 2 Bladder Cancer. It is localized to the bladder but is of the more serious variety and did invade the muscle of the bladder. Because of that the standard of care is pretty aggressive. First up are 12 weeks of chemo (start tomorrow), and then I have a break for a month before they remove my bladder, my prostate, and a dozen or so lymph nodes. 8 days in the hospital!!! From there I have two choices: A neobladder, which is essentially a replacement bladder made from part of my intestine or option 2 which is a small external bag for urine with a diverter. Given my age and health, the neobladder is likely the best choice given it will keep my appearance (which btw I finally have the summer body I always wanted, go figure) relatively similar. The issue with the neobladder is that 1) surgery is harder 2) recovery is harder which includes needing to self catheterize for an extended period of time (and maybe forever). The advantage to option 2 is that I could bring back my 1984 Ocean Pacific fanny pack to store the bag! Vintage is in!

Back to reality unfortunately. So today was my first lesson on how to fit 8 foot piece of straw pipe through a pin hole (well not exactly 8 feet)

So stop wincing, it wasn’t as bad as it sounds, it was much much worse. Ha, not really, it honestly wasn’t that bad. Probably because I had music. Music you say? Yes music. First I asked the nurse if she would sing to me as I figured her and the student that was assisting should do something other than watch me with my pants around my ankle maneuver the 12 foot pvc pipe inside me. She was willing to oblige but said her voice wasn’t that great. I asked if she had a “shove a tube up the penis” Spotify playlist. She said no. I am sure there is a market out there for some entrepreneurial urologist if any are reading this. So I asked her to hand me my phone before started as I needed something to ‘get me in the mood’. All I could think of was “Eye of the Tiger”. So there I was, sitting on the table, pants around my ankle, 18 foot steel pipe in hand, two nurses looking on, listening to Survivor belt out “Eye of the Tiger.” I almost felt like Rocky at the top of the stairs when I was done! I

So now I am either going to have PTSD every time I hear that song (and maybe you will to) or I just came up with the 2023 Urology Anthem!!!

So that was my afternoon. Fun with Straws was a success. I even got to take an extra home. Kind of like the dentist as a kid when you got to pick the little toy from the cup, like the spider ring, sticker, or heart necklace. Well maybe not quite like that but I am sure I can find something ridiculous to do with this thing. Who doesn’t love a parting gift! They really are kind.

And btw the tube was really just 18 inches long 🙂