‘Well my momma told me there’ll be days like this‘ (more on my mom another time. But these lyrics from two classic songs pretty much sum up days 4-6 after my first chemo treatment. It’s amazing how I can go from feeling well to the bottom of the barrel and all in a matter of hours.

Day 4 started well enough. Was able to walk with Aimee for about 2 miles before it got to hot out, nausea was pretty much gone, was a little tired but not unmanageable. I had taken the week off of work to make sure I could measure the effects before I determined my go forward schedule. By mid afternoon I was feeling pretty wiped. I was dizzy, couldn’t focus on much, was very fatigued and started to feel flush. One of the biggest challenges I have been facing in the first week is being bored. I am not one to sit around. I am either occupied with my work, which I love, or busy doing something outside, so the idea of being both lethargic and unable to focus has been extremely frustrating. I had to know something was wrong because I actually went up to my bed to take a nap which I can probably count the number of times I have done that in my life on one hand. When I woke I offered to run an errand with Aimee but asked her to take my temp first. As a reminder, chemo obliterates your white blood cells which your body needs to fight infections. There is a great article explains the impact of chemo on white blood cells and their importance from the Mayo Clinic below.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/cancer/in-depth/cancer-treatment/art-20046192

Even though I receive an extra boost of white cells every two weeks it’s still considered extremely risky and something i need to be concerned about if my temp goes above 100.5.

The result was a 100.9 and I can tell you it felt bad. We decided to call the doctor as had been discussed with us to see what they wanted me to do. In the meantime I decided to still run the errand (yes, I know, not bright). About 15 minutes down the road the doctor called back and requested that I go immediately to the ER and would likely get admitted. We turned around (mission incomplete), quickly packed a back and drove right into Boston to the ER. To date this one was one my hardest moments since first being diagnosed. I have never spent a single night in a hospital let alone the idea of being there for a few days. The thought was terrifying. I am a creature of habit. I like being around my house, my bed, my family, and my dogs. Hospitals are for sick people and dammit I am sick. This is really happening. Fuck Cancer.

Arrived at ER, and there were 40 people in the waiting room. Many looking much worse than I did. I felt guilty for being there. I was scared and felt terrible. My doctor had called ahead given my condition protocol but it still took an hour (which isn’t bad at all) to be seen. From there it was a lot of waiting. The staff was spectacular but things take time. There was a small private waiting room that Aimee and I stayed in but admittedly it was uncomfortable. I just wanted to be home. Finally after 6 tubes of blood drawn and a brain scraping COVID test, all results came back as no sign of infection. This was just a reaction to the chemo ‘working’. Good news for sure. They were letting me go home but I was literally exhausted. Struggled to put one foot in front of the other on the way to the car. And you really know I’m exhausted when I don’t want to drive since I will take every opp to be behind a wheel (my happy place).

Truth is the next two days were a blur. I could barely move. My voice was down to a whisper at certain points. I hadn’t had a good night sleep in days and my mind went to some pretty dark places. I could tell Aimee was worried and so was I. Could I really do 12 weeks of this? Am I going to be strong enough? What are these chemicals doing to my body, my mind, me?!?!?! And for the first time since being diagnosed I asked questioned whether I will actually survive. This is hard. I promised myself I would give myself the grace to have a bad day but it’s really hard. That’s not who I am. I was grumpy, snippy and feeling depressed. Darkness is not my friend.