After the high of Fathers Day weekend which ended with an great walk with my daughter, the anxiety of this weeks chemo cycle kicked in and boy was it hard. Barely slept at night, my heart rate felt elevated, and just felt an overwhelming sense of dread for what I believe is going to be another hard cycle.

Additionally, my oncologist had called and they made the decision to cut down from 6 cycles to 4 cycles. My first question around this was why? Did they learn something new that made them concerned it wasn’t working? The short answer is that its actually good news. I have said it before but the course of chemo I am getting is very rare, and very aggressive. Less than 5% of the population receives this and even fewer can manage the full course. Even my infusion nurses were surprised, many of them never having delivered this course in all their years. Based on the fact that I am handling it well, to the point where the doctor was surprised I was out of bed let alone working, they felt the could continue the course as directed. The original designation of 6 apparently took into account a modification of the course with a projected expectation that I would need to cut back. That along with the fact that bladder cancer treatment seems to have a higher cure and long time survival rate when you get to surgery sooner so waiting an additional 4 to 5 weeks to conduct to more treatments likely wouldn’t yield any long term benefit. So this why I am 3 laps down and only 1 to go after having completed my third today.

Like many things, there is a downside, although it’s an unavoidable one. It means I will head to surgery sooner. Based on my new schedule I am looking at somewhere between August 11 and the 25th which is about a month or so sooner than I expected. The positive side is that I will hopefully be on the road to recovery sooner as well. More to come on that when I get more info.

As for this weeks treatment, they were a little harder. A large part of it was mental. I didn’t want to be there. I entered more grumpy (than usual), and my normal attempts at witty humor were non existent. I am just drained. I really hate this. I can’t explain it other than to say I can imagine the chemicals flowing through my body and changing me. I am very tired. More than before. Fell asleep right after treatment yesterday and actually fell asleep during treatment today.

The fatigue is real. I realize they are doing their science thing and its for the best, but what I feel and see is the worst of them and that’s hard, real hard. I want to be strong, I am strong, and I will get through this and I know that but it really sucks. I am pissed Cancer chose me but also grateful that I can share my story to help others know that it’s as hard as you hear it is plus some BUT that if faced with the challenge, the human body and mind with a little work (and it does take a little work) and a LOT of love can get you through. I will get through, thanks to me, my hard work, and all the love from all of you.

But I want to end on a high note….literally. This week I had one of the most meaningful and special moments of my entire life. A colleague, mentee, and friend of mine at work, Robert, invited me to a meeting on Wednesday morning to share a couple ‘updates’ on things. I have had the pleasure on knowing Robert for the last 6 years now and have worked with him on countless engagements but more importantly got to know him as a father, musician, husband, colleague and all around great human. So anytime I have the chance to catch up with him one on one I am grateful to have the chance. I joined the call from the car as I was on the way home from a meeting and much too my surprise it ended up be more like a one on forty than a one on one. Given this is not the first time that members of my team have blatantly miss-represented their one on ones and zoom attacked me with dozen of my team members I shouldn’t be surprised, and I was definitely NOT disappointed. I have said it before but I LOVE the people I work with. Every single one of them have a special place in my heart. We have been through a lot together over the last six years and their support of me and I hope my support of them has instilled a sense of family in our team and it’s a big part of why I love to do what I do, it’s because I love who I get to do it with each day. And this leads me to one of the most amazing moments of my life.

I mentioned Robert is a musician. In fact he an his wife have recorded a number of great songs I have heard over the years. Today Robert was debuting a song he wrote for me, about me, and about us. The song was entitled ‘Don’t be the story’ which is a slightly comic truthism (if thats a thing) that I have coached people on for decades when headed out to a company event or offsite. I am the first to encourage a have fun culture but also want folks to remember that being talked about the next day after an event rarely leads to that amazing promotion. Thus ‘Don’t be the story’ was born. Now keep in mind I share this coaching and philosophy widely, from work to family, so Robert in now way was singled out or any more at risk that any of us of falling into this trap. What’s meaningful to me is that he heard me. And I don’t mean just the words, but he understood the principle and not only how it applies at work but in life and although comical it left an impression. There is no better feeling as a mentor and a coach to when someone you are working with takes something you say to heart. That meant a lot. Robert means a lot. Now, imagine how great that feels to be acknowledged only to have that feeling memorialized with a song that he spent his own personal time and energy writing and recording and was so proud of what he developed that he wanted to share with me and our colleagues. I was blown away. Outside of his friendship it’s truly one of the most meaningful gifts I have received in my entire life. The song was heartfelt, funny, memorable, filled with love and brought me to tears. I am grateful for Robert, along with all the others on the call and not on the call who I am honored to call family.

Today is going to be a great day.